Bringing home the child you are adopting is very different from bringing home the one you have birthed. Your awareness of the differences can affect the way you treat your baby from the very first day she arrives home. As you raise your child, your knowledge and sensitivities can help prepare her for a productive and satisfying adulthood.
To understand this, we can try to imagine what your baby’s prenatal history might have been. How does one normally prepare for the arrival of a baby? The pregnant mother feels the early stirring in her womb. Mother and child are quickly connected in the most intimate of physical and emotional relationships that two human beings can have. For the nine months of pregnancy the mother is already nurturing her unborn child: cradling and stroking her, eating well, talking and humming to her so that even in the womb the baby feels her protection and love.
But imagine what it must be like for a woman who knows she will not keep her baby. What can she be thinking and experiencing and how will this affect her child? Often overwhelmed by her circumstances which may include poverty, depression and a sense of isolation, this young mother may remain emotionally detached, for if she becomes too close to the life that is growing inside of her, the actual separation will be even more difficult.
A stressed birthmother in need of her own solace has few resources left for comforting her baby. In order to protect herself from the pain of a broken attachment, she must stay as unconnected as possible, depriving the growing fetus of the sense of oneness that she needs in order to build a comfortable base for later trust. The uterus, which should be a nurturing and healthful environment, instead often becomes a source of discomfort and stress for the baby.
Once born, the baby may live in a temporary foster home before she is finally settled with her parents or she may live in an orphanage where consistent nurturing may be unavailable. Sometimes there are multiple caregivers, inadequate nutrition, and minimal stimulation. How confusing that must be!
For all of these reasons, the child you bring home may already be vulnerable. In her short life there have been radical changes. Everything is unfamiliar to her undeveloped senses: the sounds, smells, and feelings she has become used to in utero. The mother or mothers who have provided her with her tenuous first nurturing have disappeared and she cannot understand or even question what is happening. If she has been in foster care she has likely begun the bonding process. Now she is being asked to begin again without the benefit of language or understanding.
It is possible for you, as an adoptive parent, to prepare for your baby’s arrival so as to minimize the stress, confusion and grief that she is probably feeling and to start her off as a member of your family as calmly and uneventfully as can be managed. While it may be difficult to implement all of these suggestions in your current situation, incorporating as many as you can in those early days will be a positive step towards more balanced development.
- Visit the baby for as long and as often as possible before bringing her home so that you are not a stranger to her when she finally joins your family.
- Find out as much as you can about her early routines and try to continue those that you can. This would include feeding and sleeping schedules, diet and familiar music.
- Ask to keep some of the baby’s toys or clothing, things with which she is familiar.
- Ask for as much information as is available about the baby’s medical and genetic history. This should include her neo-natal development and background information about her birth parents’ interests and talents.
- When your baby first comes home limit the number of visitors. Let her get to know you first. This will be an overwhelming event for her and she has no way of understanding what is happening.
- Keep the surroundings simple and calm for a period of time. Don’t over decorate or offer too many distractions. Play calming music. Over stimulation will just lead to more confusion for her.
- Educate yourself about the latest information in neo-natal and child development that is rapidly becoming available, especially material specifically targeted toward adoption.
- To facilitate your baby’s attachment to you keep her as close as possible. If she is small, carry her close to your body in a carrier made for that purpose. If she is young enough, let her sleep in your bed or in the same room if she is having trouble sleeping. Maintaining close physical contact with the child will enable her to feel as if she is safe and connected. Hold her whenever you can, and encourage her to touch your face and hair. Let her move from room to room with you. This will encourage a sense of security and comfort, especially if she was not held enough before she joined your family.
- Let her stay on a bottle longer than is usual if she is reluctant to move away from it, and use the opportunity to hold her even more. Bathe with her. Such activities as hand feeding while holding your child, rocking, hugging, tickling, singing, massaging and engaging in playful behavior while maintaining eye and physical contact are helpful, as long as over stimulation is avoided. As she gets older and is toddling and walking around allow her to be your shadow to maintain that closeness.
- Provide the model for a range of facial expressions such as smiling and frowning and all of the expressions in between. Maintain eye contact when tending her so that she will mimic your behaviors and maintain that feeling of being connected.
- Attune yourself to your child’s natural schedule for sleep, feeding and play. This baby has already encountered unpreventable stress so additional frustrations should be minimized. A child should be able to trust that routines and responses will be consistent. Feeding, napping and bedtime should be on a regular schedule and as close to her earlier schedule as possible.
- Attend to the baby soon after she expresses discomfort. Parental responses should be immediate and appropriate. Spoiling this baby is not a major concern; instead you will be helping her to build trust that you are there for her.
- Be attuned to your child’s emotions. The child may be grieving over the loss of an earlier caregiver, or her previous setting even if it was not optimal. She may look sad or unresponsive in the beginning, but she will eventually brighten up if you can accept that this is a necessary stage and help her through it. She should be held, cradled and sung to, but not denied opportunities to feel her sadness.
- Think of yourself as the primary caregiver. This is not a child who should be left with baby sitters or other surrogates for a while, if it can be avoided. She needs consistent care from the primary caregiver who must also do as much as possible of the feeding, bathing, changing and other activities that facilitate bonding. If this is impossible, limit the number of caregivers and try to provide the care within your home. Of course, the parents will need to plan for the support they need to avoid being overtired and overstressed. The parents themselves will be in the best position to find the balance between taking care of the baby’s needs and their own.
All of this information may seem overwhelming to the new parent, and it may be impossible to incorporate it all into your already crowded life. Never-the-less, be reassured that the time that you invest at this early stage of your child's development will be invaluable in helping her catch up from the interruptions of her first weeks or months.
