Single Parent Success - The 40 Inch Jedi Speaks - Be a Rhino, Step Up & Be Great!

It's been about 14 months since my divorce now. There have been some good times and some tough ones. That’s to be expected. There are more of both to come and I am prepared for that. That’s not just divorce…that’s just life. It ebbs and flows.

Having joint custody of my son Brennan has been an amazing experience. I know I am a better Dad now than I was when I was married. My attention is more focused, I get to spend more time with him and I believe my intention has shifted to one that is much more appreciative and grateful for the time we get to spend together.

Brennan turns 5 in January and for those of you who have kids are older than this…it’s really an awesome time. He is becoming a little man, expressing himself better day by day and wearing out shoes like nobody’s business.

The other day, Brennan really caught me off guard.

It was our first day back together after 5 days with his Mom and we were getting ready for bed and I said, “I really missed you when you weren't here.”

He quickly replied, “I didn’t miss you. I don’t want to stay here. I want to stay with Mommy and I don’t care if I ever come here again.”

Wow.

I felt like Mike Tyson hit me in the stomach. Hard.

It really blindsided me and I was stunned, shocked and really hurt.

A few minutes later, Brennan fell asleep and we didn’t have a lot of time to talk about it. Quite honestly, it wouldn’t have made a differece because when he is “in a mood,” what you say doesn't really change things.

Once Brennan was asleep it gave me some time to sit and reflect and luckily I used the time well.

Although I was torn up inside, I was able to draw a few conclusions:

His reaction wasn’t about me.

Let me say that it may very well have been a request for me to do/be something different for him now and in the future, but it wasn’t likely about something I did or didn’t do.

This one wasn't easy and took a lot of work. It’s easy to ignore a tantrum or over-reaction to something since personally, you are insulated. If your kid throws a fit about not getting their way, it’s easy to see where the reaction is coming from. When it’s directed right at you, well now, things change completely, don't they?

I am working on staying detached from the emotion so that I can actually think. If I wouldn't have gotten over that “poor me, why me, victimy” perspective, I would be stuck, nothing else would be possible.

I made up that he was missing me, missing time with me, missing my attention and he threw a fit. Sometimes if he stays more time than the regular with either of us, he gets into a funk and just wants to remain put. I get it. It’s not the reality we live in, but I get a 5-year-old wanting stability. Hell, who doesn't want stability!

I had the opportunity to shift things immediately

Although I know his reaction wasn’t about me, something triggered it, and that something was significant to Brennan. In the moments to follow, I had the chance to step up and provide real value in the face of his uncertainty and confused emotions.

As I said, my son isn't an “in the moment” person. When he's upset, he will excuse himself to his room, get himself together and calm down, and then he can talk. Not if he's not ready.

That night I decided that we would talk briefly early the next day, but agreed that we would talk about things afterschool. Now, I had a some commitments later on that day and decide to shift my schedule to make space for some quality Daddy/son time.

Did I have to do this? Of course I didn't. Would I have been a bad Dad if I didn’t? Of course not. But in that moment, what I thought Brennan needed most was some uninterrupted, focused time with his Dad. I wanted to give him that.

I completely changed my schedule to spend some time with my son.

We had a blast.

Later on he told me exactly what I wanted to hear.

Brennan said, “I said those things because I missed you. You are the best Daddy ever and I miss you when I am not here.”

Yeah, it was worth it.

This all took place in a span of less than 24 hours.

This served as a a great reminder for me of what has you be successful in relationship. My 40” Jedi reminded me of the following:

* People own their emotions – they aren't mine and I don’t have to take them on.
* Taking things personally is my choice. So is having thick skin like a Rhino.
* I really need to be conscious and connected to what the people I care about are experiencing.
* Few things are constant. I can always work through feelings, emotions and upsets with those I am in relationship with.
* I get to step up and be the source of change.

Thank you, Jedi; you are indeed a wise little man. You are the most powerful mentor I have and something tells me that will never change.

Please pass this along to the single Moms and Dads you know and please comment here on this blog as to your thoughts. Clearly, these lessons are about all relationships, not just the one I have with my son.