The Effects of Divorce on Children

When things go wrong in a marriage it is often wondered if the couple involved should stay together for the children. The fact of the matter is that it's not the separation that does the most damage, it's the living in a war zone that affects the kids. Nobody wants to live in a world that swings from stony silence to screaming fits and back again. Even if it's not that extreme children can sense when things aren't as they should be and may even wonder if it's something they've done.

Once the decision to divorce has been made it is important to keep the children informed of what is happening using vocabulary appropriate to their age. Make sure they are clear on how they will be affected and try to make their upheaval as little as possible. To have to change schools or move away from their friends at such a time can make the process far more difficult for them.

Many children will wonder if they are to blame somehow. It must be affirmed over and again that this is not their fault by both parents before it will sink in. In fact apportioning blame to anyone in front of the children is not a good idea even if it's quite obvious what lead to the troubles.

Then they have the agony of wondering if they should be taking one parent's side over the other. It's best not to use your children as a confidant during this emotional time regardless of how mature they may seem. They should be allowed to carry on loving each parent as they did before without the knowledge of what one did or said to the other. You can do your crying on the shoulder of an understanding adult friend.

Keeping the school informed of the changes in the children's live can help. It will help the teacher to understand any changes in mood from the child and, generally, schools will have the welfare of the child at heart and will inform parents if they think there are any problems. Around 1 in 3 children will go through separation so there isn't the stigma that used to be attached to divorce as there used to be.

When the other parent is not prepared to be fair about arrangements for whatever reason, it is important that the other doesn't start having a moan to the children. If one doesn't turn up for visits or doesn't allow visits to happen just explain that you don't agree with what they are doing but you will just need to make the best of it. Don't play tit for tat - it is the children that get caught in the middle and nobody will ever win this game.

If you end up as the parent that leaves the family home and sets up again in another residence it helps the children to know that you still want them in your life by making a part of that residence just for them. Their own room would be great but a small cupboard just for their personal belongings will do just as well.

It can be awkward when, once the divorce is over, one of the parents finds a new partner - assuming that a new partner wasn't the reason for the divorce. The initial introduction is probably best done as a friend rather than lover. Children will have a chance of developing a relationship without the fear of upsetting the other parent before they are told that the new friend is rather more than that.

The children will also want both parents to be involved in the important events in their lives from nativity plays to exam results. If you are the principle carer make sure the other parent knows about these events and how to get tickets or what date results are due so they can also make the effort to be there. At the end of the day, even though your marriage has ended and the divorce has come through, you are in a partnership for life as two parents for each child born out of that marriage.